• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

Tech Savvy Mama

Parenting in the Digital Age

  • About
    • Affiliations & Honors
    • Contributors
    • Privacy Policy
    • Cookie Policy
  • Technology
    • YouTube
    • Social Media
  • Lifestyle
    • Parenting
    • Travel
    • Safety
  • Education
  • Causes
  • Gift Guides
  • CONTACT
    • Work with Me

The Good News About Bad Behavior: Interview with Author Katherine Lewis

May 7, 2018 By Leticia

We’ve all felt feelings of irritation, shame, embarrassment, or frustration in our parenting journeys. In her new book, The Good News About Bad Behavior, award winning journalist, Katherine Lewis, shares what she learned through years of interviewing parents, teachers, and kids to learn what works and what doesn’t work from the top parenting, classroom management, rehabilitation, and brain science experts. Her discoveries about the modern state about bad behavior are fascinating and not meant to shame. Instead this book provides much needed insight for parents trying to navigate tricky behavioral situations to work with their children towards better solutions that include responsibility within limits.

After reading her book, I had the opportunity to ask Katherine some questions about her game-changing strategies for discipline and I’m pleased to share the interview with you.

The Good News About Bad Behavior: Interview with Author Katherine Lewis

Leticia Barr- In your book, you say that children have fundamentally changed. Can you share your thoughts on how this has happened? Is this why parenting is harder?

Katherine Lewis– Children are less able to sit still, control their impulses and emotions, cooperate with adults and follow instructions. I heard this over and over in my interviews with parents, educators and psychologists, in the five years I spent reporting this book. It also shows up in the statistics on anxiety, depression and ADHD. The National Institutes of Health reports that 1 in 2 kids will have a mood or behavioral disorder or a substance addiction by age 18.

It’s impossible to concretely prove why this happened, but my research suggests three very powerful changes in our society that coincide with the time over which children have lost this ability to self-regulate. One, the decline in unstructured play and independent play times. Children used to roam neighborhoods in mixed-age packs, in which they would learn social skills, cooperation and even develop skills like abstract thought. Now, they’re supervised almost all the time, with an adult intervening to be sure they’re safe and conflict free. They don’t get as much chance to take small risks, solve their own problems, and enjoy the feeling of competence that comes with autonomy.

Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash

Second, the growth of media and technology, which turns our focus from our intrinsic desires and interests to those external forces and motivations. Kids are looking to reality TV and YouTube stars to figure out what their goals should be, instead of seeking to understand what truly fills them with purpose. Third, kids are unemployed. They don’t have after school jobs — or even household jobs — because they’re so busy doing high-level homework, travel sports, intense music and arts. All those pursuits are wonderful, but they can’t fill you with a sense of belonging the way that fixing dinner for your family can.

This change in kids is definitely one reason parenting is harder now. But I also think we make it harder than it needs to be by putting pressure on ourselves to be perfect, to always have high-achieving well-behaved children, to feel that their performance is a reflection on our parenting abilities. If we could parent from a place of courage and confidence, instead of a place of fear, we would enjoy it more and our kids would feel less pressure. They’d be less likely to develop mental illness and, frankly, be happier. I try hard to avoid people who judge my parenting harshly and instead surround myself with friends who are compassionate, accepting and share my values around children and family.

Photo by Austin Pacheco on Unsplash

Leticia- We’ve been asking “How do we get our kids to do what we want?” for a long time but in The Good News About Bad Behavior, you propose that the right question to ask is “Why can’t the kids do what we want?” Can you explain this a bit more?

Katherine- No child wakes up in the morning and thinks: “Today, I’m going to disappoint my parents and teachers!” Our children want to please us. They want to belong in the family. But if they don’t have the skills to do what’s needed, or they’re not finding healthy ways to belong, they act out or express their frustration in unhealthy ways. When we see a child not doing what they’re supposed to, if we get curious and investigate, we’ll usually find that there’s something getting in the way of doing what they’re supposed to do. Especially if you start young, with household chores and predictable routines, children will cooperate when they are ABLE to succeed. We also have to make sure we’re taking lots of opportunities to connect with children, first, before we start trying to correct their behavior.

Photo by Thiago Cerqueira on Unsplash

Leticia- So many times we model the kinds of discipline styles our parents used that involves cracking down on behavior. If this undermines self discipline, how do we change our discipline strategies from what we know in order to produce capable, confident adults? 

Katherine– This is such a huge challenge for me, personally, and many of the parents I interviewed. For me, it’s been an incremental series of changes, which started with me taking more time to respond instead of reacting to a child’s behavior. So instead of jumping right in with my angry punishment or desperate pleading to do the right thing, I gather myself and respond in a more calm and intentional way. I’ve seen how much better the results are when I’m patient and collaborative, instead of trying to be the boss. Other parents prefer the “rip the bandaid off” approach and they simply drop all their bad habits, and see how much their children are able to do on their own, without nagging, prodding, threatening or bribing. That gives a fresh start from which to build new habits.

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

Leticia- Talk to me about the digital age we’re living in. In Chapter 2 of The Good News About Bad Behavior, An Epidemic of Misbehavior you follow a family in Texas, observing teen girls using social media. I was fascinated by your observations and the things the girls said about passive social uses, actively keeping up with Snapchat streaks, and social comparisons. Based on your observations, do you feel that the digital age we’re living in detrimental to our kids’ behavior?

Katherine- I do think the digital age presents unique challenges. There’s powerful research showing that for adults and children alike, social media and always-on technology contributes to distraction, attention problems, depression, anxiety and narcissism. The more we use technology intentionally, the better. For instance, when I pick up my smartphone, I try to say: “I’m going to check the time of the movie” or “I’m going to spend 10 minutes posting to Facebook.” That way, I’m more aware of my behavior and I use it less mindlessly. And as you say, if we can use social media to post or to connect with friends, rather than passively scrolling, research suggests it’s less damaging to mental health.

That said, our children are digital natives, so we can’t try to stay completely ahead of them in controlling and blocking technology. They’ll just sneak around, through Finsta (Fake Instagram) accounts and the like. We do need to have healthy limits that are negotiated with our children, so that technology is used as part of a healthy balance of activities. We should have an ongoing conversation with our children about technology use and the risks and benefits, so they also start to use it intentionally and mindfully.

Photo by Melody Bates on Unsplash

Leticia- What can parents of teens do, knowing that interactions on social media is a huge part of our kids’ social lives? Is it too late for them to embrace the play that you describe as being so important for self regulation?

Katherine– It is NEVER too late! Even teenagers can be silly and goofy and physical, whether joking around or playing a game like ping pong or basketball. They love hugs and roughhousing, even though they may not admit it. Keep offering hugs and cuddles, and look for activities that let you interact without screens, even something as simple as a walk around the block or a trip to the coffee shop together. It’s fine to play video games or watch TV together, too, just in balance with other activities.

Photo by Lucie Delavay on Unsplash

Leticia- How has the experience of writing this book changed the way you parent your own 3 daughters?

Writing a book about parenting keeps you very honest about the way you want to raise your children! I have gotten better at letting things go, stepping back and allowing my children to make their own mistakes, knowing that it’s the only way they can truly learn. I also have had my resolve strengthened to ignore my impulses toward competitive parenting, and instead focus on their character and our relationship.

Leticia- What is one thing that you think all parents can do tonight at home with their kids to create connections, build community, and encourage capability?

Ask your kids what’s one thing they’ve been wanting to learn that you can teach them. Then do it together. Maybe they want to weed the lawn with you, or cook a fancy meal, or take apart a household appliance. My youngest daughter loves to organize the silverware drawer and even color coordinated the crayons. Often kids will be drawn to a slightly dangerous task, with a flame or sharp knife. Follow their interests and you may be surprised how much fun you have together doing something really simple.

The Good News About Bad Behavior is available on Amazon. For more information about Katherine, visit her bio or connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.

Photo by London Scout on Unsplash

I received an advance copy of The Good News About Bad Behavior for the purposes of this interview but no compensation was received. Amazon affiliate links are included in this post.

Related

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: author, behavior, books, Katherine Lewis, parenting advice, Q&A

Previous Post: « Introducing Loopholes Boutique by Entrepreneurial Tween & Teen Sisters
Next Post: What I Learned About Being Vulnerable from Brené Brown, the Iris Awards & Mom 2.0 Summit »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Amy Carney says

    May 8, 2018 at 1:32 pm

    I have to get this book!! Thank you for this awesome and inspiring review! Such great wisdom…

    • Leticia says

      May 8, 2018 at 5:36 pm

      It really provided fascinating insight!

  2. Veronica Mitchell says

    June 6, 2018 at 2:21 am

    Nice review! Will look for this book once I’m out doing all these chores. Haha! Have a great day!

Primary Sidebar

about sidebar pic_profile pic

Hi! I'm Leticia, founder of Tech Savvy Mama! I'm an award-winning blogger, Washington, DC area mom of teens, middle school computer science teacher, and education consultant.  Read more...

TechSavvyMama logo board_sidebar divider

AFFILIATIONS & HONORS

_YouTube Parent Panel

_top50momblogger

TechSavvyMama logo board_sidebar divider

Subscribe

Never Miss a Post!
Name: 
Your email address:*
Consent*
Yes, I consent to being emailed
No, I do not want to be emailed
Please wait...
Please enter all required fields Click to hide
Correct invalid entries Click to hide
No spam, ever. Promise!

Tech Savvy Mama on YouTube

<<< View More >>>

TechSavvyMama logo board_sidebar divider

INSTAGRAMMIN’

techsavvymama

DC area blogger & middle school computer science teacher focused on edu, family tech & teens. ❤s= 🚀 #STEM 🏃 #StJudeHeroes #legacyteamnuun 🏝 #Haiti

It was such a joy to be able to celebrate this mil It was such a joy to be able to celebrate this milestone! 🎉 Huge congratulations to Thomas and the Class of 2024! 🎓 #classof2024 #graduation
Happy Global Running Day! 🏃🏻‍♀️If you Happy Global Running Day! 🏃🏻‍♀️If you know me, you know you can always find me in Memphis running a race the first weekend in December for @stjude . I ❤️love ❤️ love ❤️ love ❤️this race because the race course is pretty flat, the weather is amazing, and the whole city of Memphis comes to cheer you on, you get to run through the St. Jude campus which is always inspiring, and it is just SO fun! 🎉 If you’ve ever thought of running a 5K, 10k, half, or full marathon, I invite you to register! Sign up to join me to run/walk/run+walk any distance and not only will I cheer you on as you get race ready but I will be your Marathon Weekend buddy. 🙌🏼 I promise to help get you race ready, will take you to all the best places in Memphis before the race, and to celebrate after with post-race drinks at the Peabody Hotel. 🍹Who is going to join me? Link to register in the first comment! 🏃🏻‍♀️ #stjudeheroes #globalrunningday #memphis #stjude #stjudedmv
The best part of @solairesocial is the incredible The best part of @solairesocial is the incredible variety of delicious food available in one place! 🎉 Our family of adventurous eaters has been anxiously awaiting the opening of this culinary collective and our first visit did not disappoint! 💕 Here’s a look at the diverse food concepts that @chefakhtar has carefully curated to be part of the Solaire Social culinary experience. 👀 Huge thanks to Solaire Social for inviting us to their influencer preview to enjoy the amazing culinary cultural concepts that we’re happy to have right in our backyard! I know the hardest part about our next visit will be choosing among all the incredible food at these 8 amazing restaurants! 🍽️ 

#SolaireSocial #SilverSpring #silverspringmd #montgomerycountymd #dmvfoodie #fifteensecondsofsummer
Chincoteague = Our island in the sun ☀️ Until Chincoteague = Our island in the sun ☀️ Until next time! 💕 more than #fifteensecondsofsummer #chincoteague #assateague #loveva #islandlife
The best way to start any day in Chincoteague is a The best way to start any day in Chincoteague is at @amarin_coffee_usa ! Their fresh baked buttery croissants (that are almost as big as your head!) are always such a treat when we’re here! 🥐❤️🥐 #fifteensecondsofsummer #chincoteague #civa #esva #coffeelovers
Fifteen seconds of sunset for #fifteensecondsofsum Fifteen seconds of sunset for #fifteensecondsofsummer ! 🌅 #chincoteague #loveva #esva #sunsetlovers
Is it officially summer for your family? It is for Is it officially summer for your family? It is for ours! ☀️Thomas finished his last day of high school and Emily is home from college for a bit so it’s summer in our house. 🙌🏼 We kicked off our summer at a @nationals game that included a win with 3 home runs! ⚾️ This year I’m joining @lashawnwiltz in 15 seconds of summer, sharing 15 seconds from my days so at the end, I can look back and remember the great things we did as a family before Thomas heads to college in the fall. 😢 Join in the fun by recording and sharing 15 seconds of your summer days and use the hashtag #fifteensecondsofsummer. It officially starts June 1 but join in whenever your summer begins! 🕶️🍉⛱️ #washingtondc #washingtonnationals #nats #baseball #summer
Today we’re celebrating National Rescue Dog Day Today we’re celebrating National Rescue Dog Day because we’re so glad Goldie and Murphy are part of our family! 🐶 We gave Goldie her forever home when she was 6 months old. She had been given up by her original family because she was just too much for them. She was an enthusiastic pup who loved to jump straight up in the air when she got excited and she used to hop the fence in the mornings to go visit her best dog friend, Katy, over our back fence. She still jumps from standing when she sees a deer, meets a favorite dog friend, or gets a visit from @lisatasch but now at age 5, she’s more calm and forever faithful. 🦮We met Murphy and his 9 brothers and sisters just days after he was born although we didn’t know he would be the puppy we’d claim as ours. Murphy has that puppy energy but in his quiet moments is a total love bug. He hogs the free space in our king bed (he even has his own pillow!) and loves nothing more than to press his body into me or lie directly on me. 🐾 Goldie and Murphy came to us through @labrescuelrcp and we couldn’t be happier that they’re part of our family! ❤️ #rescuedogday #labrescue #labrador #adoptdontshop
After 3 days at St. Jude Children’s Research Hos After 3 days at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, I’m leaving Memphis so very grateful to be able to support St. Jude’s mission of working to end childhood cancer. ❤️ Spending time connecting, brainstorming, and absorbing the wisdom of fellow Hero Ambassadors from around the country was inspiring because the work we do fundraising through our endurance events helps St. Jude do the incredible work they do to ensure families never receive a bill for their child’s treatment, housing, travel, or food and continue important research that will continue to reduce rates of pediatric cancer and other childhood diseases. I am so looking forward to running in Memphis again this December! 🎉 If you’ve ever thought of running a race that does so much good in the world, join me! I’d love to have you come to Memphis and run with me! Or you can always donate through the fundraising link in my bio. ❤️ #stjude #stjudeheroes #memphis #stjudedmv
Prom 2024! ❤️ #prom #classof2024 #senioryear # Prom 2024! ❤️ #prom #classof2024 #senioryear #lastfridaynight #latergram
When we bought our house 24 years ago, it came wit When we bought our house 24 years ago, it came with many things we didn’t love like rotted porch boards, 1 bathroom, and peeling paint (inside and out!) but it also came with things we did love like old, mature trees, crazy shaped boxwood bushes, and these spectacular peonies! 🌸 Every year when they bloom I’m so glad that these beauties conveyed with the purchase of our house and I’m glad we rebuilt our porch so we can step out our front door to admire them in their glory! 🩷#peonies #peonyseason #garden #blooms #spring
As a teacher and parent, I am well aware of the me As a teacher and parent, I am well aware of the mental health challenges our youth face and am really pleased to share that over the weekend I became certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid through the National Council for Mental Wellbeing! 🎉 I’ve always worked to build relationships with the young people in my life- whether my kids’ friends or students- and this certification has made me more mindful of the signs and symptoms of mental health challenges so I can have important and supportive conversations when symptoms first start to appear. 🗣️A big component of the training also included developing a self-care plan which is critical when supporting others. 💕 I’m so grateful to have taken this certification for free through the University of Maryland whose blended learning format (2 hours of self paced online work + 5 hour instructor led class over Zoom) was fantastic! 💻 The teacher in me really applauds the course design and I’m glad to join the 3 million+ in the U.S. certified in Youth Mental Health First Aid. 🏥 If this is something you’re interested in doing, University of Maryland has free courses on Saturdays or Sundays from 10-4pm between June-October. Swipe ⬅️ for more information, including a QR code with more information and a survey to take as part of the sign up process. And if you have any questions- leave a comment or DM me. I’m happy to help you get certified too! ❤️ #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthfirstaid #youthmentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth
Follow on Instagram

TechSavvyMama logo board_sidebar divider

SAVVY FINDS

Footer

Tech Savvy Businesswoman

Check me out across my social media channels for examples of how I can help amplify your company's brand, product, or cause!

_YouTube Parent Panel

techsavvymamasquarelogo_techsavvymama square logo

Privacy Policy Cookie Policy

Looking for Something?

Search by category…

or by date

DISCLOSURE POLICY

Copyright © 2025 Tech Savvy Mama · Designed by Hustle & Sway · Log in

 

Loading Comments...